Sabi nila, "Karen, ang bitter mo" Sa tuwing maririnig ko yan, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaction ko? Ni hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. Nakakatawa kasi kahit sabihin kong "Hindi ako bitter!", ang sasabihin lang nila sa akin pabalik, "Girl, ang predictable mo." And it leaves me no choice kundi ang manahimik na lang. Nung dumating yung oras na kinatakutan ko, akala ko matapang ako, as in. Akala ko kakayanin ko. Kala ko pag gising ko okay na balik na sa dati, I spent the next few days plugging along, yung patawa tawa lang, pa-smile smile, assuming that since I had not shed a tear, everything was just fine. Pero mali ako, it wasn't easy. Five days later, Pagkauwi ko, all of sudden it hit me, He was gone and I was alone. I literally broke down, sobbing uncontrollably as in walang tigil, di makakain, ni hindi makausap, i saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. Natandaan ko pa, galit na galit ako, feel ko kasi ako ung victim. You know, victim ako and villain siya. But as days, weeks pass i found myself still hoping na "kaya pa" but then again, tadhana na ung nagpamukha sken, na "Karen, stop it.. Di na healthy yan" pero anong magagawa ko? Masakit pa din eh. What I did is nagpaka-busy ako. Umabot pa nga sa point na parang everyday general cleaning ung ginagawa ko sa bahay namen eh. Pero narealize ko at the end of the day mapapaisip ka pa din, mapapaisip ka na "siguro kung andon ako, okay na" "siguro kung di ako umalis ayos na" yung puro siguro, puro ifs na lang ung naiisip mo. Nakulong na nga ako sa tanong na yan eh, yung tipong nakakasira na ng bait kakaisip kunh ano ba ang mga posibleng nangyari kung andun ako. Pero siempre lumaban ako, kasi may mga taong nagsasabi sa akin na "kaya mo yan friend" "ikaw pa ba, kayang kaya mo yan" "be, di pa katapusan ng mundo umayos ka" "wag ka tanga tangahan dyan", then something changed I began picking up the pieces over the next few weeks, I started thinking consciously about why this had happened. I began to wonder if, in fact baka kasalanan ko nga and thats when I began to take responsibility. Na-realize ko na minsan, mas okay na masaktan ka kasi it can allow yourself to still believe in love and to love again unconditionally, ung wala ng sukatan at kung masaktan ka man matapang ka na kasi napagdaanan mo na eh. That's when I was finally becoming the person I was supposed to be. I wasn’t lonely anymore in fact, I was less lonely than I’d ever been. I also realized that I was not the victim. All my actions, all my choices, and all the consequences that were happening to me was actually because of me. Sabi nga nila di ba, maturity is all that matters, maybe i wasnt so mature nung mga oras na yun kaya sobrang nasaktan ako, hindi maluwag sa loob ko na tanggapin na there's really something wrong. But today, I found that responsibility and forgiveness should go hand in hand, and maturity really matters and thats when i realize hindi pala masama ma-broken. Until one day nagkaron ako ng lakas ng loob na humingi ng closure, well not literally na nanghingi ako, sabihin na lang naten na it was more of "magandang ending" or better yet "Bittersweet ending" ayy ewan, basta maayos na ending. Kasi naniniwala ako na Closure is the best way to end things and make things right.
It was not an easy journey for me, really. Kasi sa totoo lang. Nilabanan ko lang naniwala lang ako sa sinabi nila na kakayanin ko kahit na sobrang nasasaktan ako. And believe me nasiraan ako ng bait. HAHAHA, They say everything happens for a reason, even bad things, and naniniwala ako dun. Pero wala kang choice kundi ang kayanin but you know what minsan we must suffer heartbreak to truly open us up and let out all the greatness we hold within. I’m thankful every day that my heart was broken, kasi ngayon mas naging malakas ako, matatag. At sa taong dahilan kung bat ako naging ganito, well all i can say is Thank you, you thought me to become stronger than ever and for me you're still my perfect guy. :)
